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My inner demons, visualized
Read this before you go any further.
What you’re about to enter did not start as art, theory, or imagination. These figures existed long before they had names. They are voices, urges, and internal commands that have shaped my behavior when no one was watching and no one was coming to help.
I didn’t create them for effect.
I identified them because ignoring them almost destroyed me.
Some people hear a single inner voice. Or, maybe they hear one "angelic" voice and one "demonic" voice. My experience has been much more complex. What lives in my head is a rotation of pressures... seductive, punishing, watchful, relentless. They argue. They negotiate. They justify. They demand outcomes. Together, they form the internal environment that produces addiction, violence, control, survival, faith, and consequence.
I call them demons because the word fits. Not symbolically. Not theatrically. Functionally.
This is not mythology.
This is exposure.
Every presence you’ll encounter here represents a real internal force: a behavioral loop, a survival intelligence, a learned command, or a self-destructive logic that once kept me alive and later tried to own me. Some of them saved me. Some of them tried to finish the job. None of them are imaginary.
This page is not here to entertain you.
It’s not here to explain itself.
It’s not here to be safe.
What you’re seeing is what happens when internal forces are dragged into the open and forced to stand still long enough to be named. Naming isn’t worship. It’s resistance.
If you’re looking for fiction, leave.
If you’re looking for comfort, leave.
If you recognize any of this...Welcome my friend.
These are not metaphors. They are influences.
What follows is a record of the forces that shaped my thinking, my behavior, and my survival...named, separated and made visible.
People will read this and call me crazy.
Maybe they’re right.
What exists in my head is not a single, unified voice. It is division. Multiple internal personas. Different states of being that take turns running the system. On any given day, whichever presence is strongest dictates my mood, my actions, my posture toward the world, and the way I interpret reality itself.
There is no fixed center.
There is rotation.
Some days I wake up controlled, precise, observant.
Other days impulsive, confrontational, reckless.
Other days withdrawn, suspicious, internally loud but externally restrained.
These aren’t moods. They are complete internal positions. Each one feels correct while it’s in control. Each one believes it sees the truth more clearly than the others. Each one makes decisions as if it will be the one left to deal with the consequences.
Over time, they stopped feeling temporary and started feeling like selves.
They don’t announce themselves. They take the wheel. How I read people. How I perceive threat. How I understand loyalty, power, intimacy, God, danger, and consequence...all of it shifts depending on which internal presence is dominant that day.
That’s where these demons come from.
Enter this influence
Seductive
Tone:
The Lover With the Poison Hands
Status:
Function:
Worldview:
I quiet the noise and make everything feel manageable — then I slowly take control.
Relief matters more than consequence. Tomorrow can always be dealt with later.
Still active
Enter this influence
Entitled
Tone:
THE SOVEREIGN APPETITE
Status:
Function:
Worldview:
Desire is truth. Denial is submission.
I reclaim control through indulgence when restraint starts to feel like imprisonment.
Intermittent
Enter this influence
Wary
Tone:
THE EXILED WOLF
Status:
Function:
Worldview:
Belonging is conditional. Survival is safer alone.
I keep you safe by pulling away before attachment can turn into loss.
Still active
Enter this influence
Imperative
Tone:
the command
Status:
Function:
Worldview:
Movement is survival. Thinking too long is how you lose.
I collapse hesitation into action so you don’t freeze when pressure hits.
Reduced, never silent
Enter this influence
Authoritative
Tone:
THE FALSE PROPHET
Status:
Function:
Worldview:
Conviction matters more than accuracy. Certainty is power.
I give meaning to chaos so nothing feels random or unjustified.
Intermittent
Enter this influence
Perceptive
Tone:
the identity fracture
Status:
Function:
Worldview:
Truth is plural. Simplicity is usually a lie.
I show you every angle at once so you’re never blindsided — even if it costs peace.
Highly active
Enter this influence
Watchful
Tone:
The Watcher
Status:
Function:
Worldview:
Awareness does not equal control. Nothing goes unnoticed.
I see everything you do and everything you avoid without stopping any of it.
Always present
Enter this influence
Punitive
Tone:
THE LIFE SENTENCE
Status:
Function:
Worldview:
Guilt does not expire. Debt is permanent.
I ensure nothing is ever fully forgiven or finished.
Foundational
Enter this influence
Restrained
Tone:
THE SILENT RIOT
Status:
Function:
Worldview:
Control is survival. If it ever comes out, it must end things.
I contain rage when expression would destroy everything.
Always present
Enter this influence
Nihilistic
Tone:
The Emptiness
Status:
Function:
Worldview:
Expectation is a liability. Darkness is honest.
I extinguish hope when trying starts to feel humiliating.
Patient, dangerous
People can call that insanity if they want. I won’t argue the label. I live close enough to the edge to know there’s a thin, uncomfortable line between chaos and clarity...
between madness and genius...and I exist, at times, on both sides of it.
Here’s the part most people don’t understand.
For all the damage these internal forces have caused, they’ve also made me more aware of my inner landscape than most people will ever be. I don’t just feel what’s happening inside me... there are periods where I can step back, observe it, and evaluate it from a lucid, grounded position.
That ability matters.
Most people who live with this level of internal division never get the chance to look at it from the outside. They are swallowed by it. They are always inside the storm. I’ve been given...or developed...something different: intermittent clarity. Windows of sanity. Moments where I can study the system while it’s running.
That’s why this story exists.
I am deeply in tune with my inner world...and at the same time, there are moments where I am fully aware of what’s happening and still unable to stop it. I can recognize the shift. I can name the presence. I can feel control slipping...and still lose the ability to intervene.
Both things are true.
These internal personas are not metaphors. They are not characters. They are distinct ways of seeing, thinking, reacting, and surviving that developed inside me. Some are protective. Some are destructive. Some are manipulative. Some are brutally honest. Some believe control is safety. Some believe nothing is real enough to matter. Some assume the world is hostile and act accordingly.
They argue.
They contradict each other.
They override each other.
Addiction didn’t create them... it handed the microphone to the loudest ones.
Trauma didn’t invent them...it sharpened their instincts.
Prison didn’t silence them...it rewarded the most ruthless voices.
And belief did not erase them.
Faith didn’t unify this internal division. What it gave me was perspective... enough distance to witness these forces without being completely consumed by them. Some of them still exist. Some still speak. Some still attempt to take control under pressure, stress, temptation, or isolation.
This is not a story about something I used to be.
This is an ongoing confrontation with forces inside me that still try to dictate how I move through the world. The difference now is awareness. Exposure. Structure. A refusal to let them operate anonymously.
This page exists because pretending these forces aren’t real is how they win.
Everything that follows is an attempt to document what I’ve been able to observe... not from the inside of the storm, but from those rare moments of clarity where I can see it for what it is.
Call it madness if you want.
I call it lived reality... examined while I still can.